oh no! i forgot to write yesterday! oh well. i have a feeling you will live! plus, there were two posts on sunday.
nothing exciting yesterday or today. part of me feels left out at lunch. 7 is always a not so fun number for anyone. it can be pairs of twos and then there is one; that's the way i feel right now. taryn has emma. amanda has jeff. sonia has lauren. what about me? i feel like i did something wrong, but i know my friends... they would tell me what i did wrong. i think. i kinda wish that taylor would come and sit with me at lunch. then it's 8 and everyone is happy. but, she sits with another group of friends. yet, sometimes, i don't understand why she sits with them. but that's her choice. however, all of this can be me over-thinking things. i tend to do that. but it was nice at lunch today. we laughed about what happened when we were all freshmen and such. it's weird to think that i got to this "4th year" step in high school. i can't believe how fast it went. we have to turn in our cap and gown forms tomorrow. i seems like i just got mine from 8th grade. where did the time go?
speaking of time. report card isn't too good. actually, it's terrible. my parents always see the negative things on my report card and never care to notice the things that i improved in. why do they do that? why do we always tend to focus on the negative rather than uplifting the things that we do that we have done well in? i don't get it. i wish i could go back and slap myself in the head and tell myself "what the hell are you thinking?". but, now, i can't. so, i have to take these things and just improve.
however, i do think that i am being realistic with this whole college thing. i've decided that i am going to go to santa monica or some community college and work on my grades and clean up the mess that i have made in my grades. i'm actually excited for santa monica. they apparently have dorms there, according to one of my friends and on the plus side they have an ASB and a newspaper. two of the things that i am interested in. so, SMC, here i come. i can't wait actually. but, i do feel like i have failed my parents. i think they were expecting me to do well and get into Cal Lu. well, mom and dad, that's not happening. i'm sorry. i think one of the reasons is band. if i didn't have band then i would have so much for free time on my hands to work on school. and seriously, i don't know why i am in it anymore. seriously. oh, i know why! because i thought it would help me get into college and at the time i thought that i would enjoy it. but i really don't. well, at least the whole parade-ness and the whole extra rehearsals. i feel like we are held up to a certain standard and we constantly need to keep that.
why do we have standards? seriously. why can't we just love everyone for who they are rather than constantly trying to maintain something that we consider to be "right". don't you think the term right is a little objective. i mean, if you think about it with right, we tend to think of good things. some would consider the whole community college choice, a right thing, because i am being realistic; where some could think that i never challenged myself. i'm tired of living up to standards.
